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Glimmer of Hope
Every once in awhile, in the midst of the chaos, a day arrives that allows us to believe brighter days are ahead. It is as if we receive the gift of hope: a reminder that the storm will pass. While the light at the end of the tunnel may still be dim, it is visible.
Yesterday was such a day for me. After weeks of wondering if I ever would be able to manage my new life, hope for my future returned. I was able to work for five hours. Although I had wanted to accomplish more than I did and I never got out of my pajamas, I am grateful for the baby steps. I finally think that more productive days may be attainable again … and that is a relief.
It is moments like yesterday that make it possible for me to keep moving forward. My wish is for you to find your own glimmer of hope in your life … to see that nothing is impossible.
I am sending healing wishes. Remember that you are strong, brave and courageous.
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”
Peaceful Rain
Today is the first day of rain that meteorologists predict will last a week. While I enjoyed the sunshine days Northern California recently had, I find myself liking the change. I already know I am going to miss my daily outdoor walks, but I find listening to the rain gently tap the windows calming and therapeutic.
As I type, the house is unusually quiet. I am taking advantage of these few minutes alone with my thoughts. The beautiful pink orchid on my desk makes me smile. As I take deep breaths, I feel the built-up tension in my shoulders release. In this moment, I can say, “life is good.”
It amazes me how the simplest things make me happy. After a week of feeling frazzled and overwhelmed, I am so grateful for right now. It is as if I have been recharged. Now I am ready to tackle whatever comes my way again.
My wish for you is that you can also appreciate those mundane moments that bring clarity and balance back to your life.
I am sending healing thoughts to you all. May you continue to hold onto hope as well as remember that your story inspires many.
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”
Finding Calm in the Midst of Chaos
I was talking with a dear friend yesterday afternoon who just had a baby. This should be the happiest moment in her life yet external issues seem to weigh heavily on her mind. Because it saddens her that she has let outside chaos cast a shadow on this magical gift, she is now searching for calm and tranquility. My friend is determined to let go of the pain so she can truly enjoy her wonderful, adorable baby boy.
I found myself able to relate to her frustration and woes. Stress is a part of our lives. We may be struggling to juggle a busy schedule, cope with loss, deal with health issues or mend complicated relationships. It may be feeling pressured at work, overwhelmed by the future or depressed by our current life situation. We may even feel stuck, lost or alone. It does not matter what type of stresses we face. Stress is stress, and it can block us from moving forward.
I invite you to think about these questions. My wish is that through your answers to the posed questions, you are better able to find balance and joy in the midst of chaos. I hope we all choose to look at those light moments in our lives instead of placing all our energy on the dark times.
How do you move past the stress in order to be happy?
How do you let go of issues you cannot control?
I am sending healing wishes. Continue to hold onto hope. Happy Sunday!
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”
Time
It does not matter how fast I move, there are just not enough hours in the day for me to accomplish everything I set out to do. Since Will has arrived, this fact has become even more apparent. I now have to learn to take the day as it comes.
This is hard for a Type-A person like me. I like to make goals and conquer them. In fact, it causes me anxiety when tasks are hovering over me. I stress when I feel unable to be impeccable with my word, when I make a commitment that I then realize I cannot keep. While I know I cannot do it all, I wish I could. I still wish I could be Wonder Woman.
The past nine weeks have challenged me to let go, be free and truly live each moment as it comes. I often find myself thinking of the old Yiddish proverb, “We plan, God laughs.” I see that I must readjust my way of thinking and acting. While I can have grand plans of what I want to tackle each morning, it may not happen. Most likely, three-quarters of my “to-do list” will not be achieved … and I have to be okay with that.
At the end of the day, no one will remember if I had vacuumed or made the bed. Nobody will hold it over me that it took me an extra week or two to find my groove returning to work. When it comes down to it, what others will remember is my character – if I made time for those I love, if I laughed, if I lived joyfully despite the challenges and setbacks I faced.
To those who feel overwhelmed by the daily trials of life, you are not alone. My wish is for you to be kind to yourself and make time for what really matters. Do not let special moments pass you by because of silly, unimportant, self-imposed obligations.
I am sending healing wishes. Keep holding onto hope and believing in the unimaginable.
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”
Moments
Today is my grandfather’s ninetieth birthday. For over sixty-five years, he and my grandmother have been living a magical life together. Both of them are healthy, happy and truly blessed. This does not mean that they have not struggled. Like all of us, they each have experienced difficult times through their childhood, young adult and married life. Yet those trials only made them more appreciative of the gifts they have been given.
While my family celebrates my grandfather today, I am reminded of Hilary Cooper and her quote, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.” Not all of us will be as fortunate as my Nonno to reach such a milestone number. However, each of us has the opportunity to make every day count. We all can choose to embrace those special moments in our lives.
I understand living with pain makes it hard to find or accept happiness. Yet we must, as it is so important for our psyche and spirit. I remember when I first began placing my intention on finding a good moment in each day. It was in the midst of my pain journey when I had no use of my right arm or hand and minimal use of the rest of my body.
I was astounded how becoming more aware of my world could change me. Soon I realized I experienced numerous moments every day that brought me some form of joy, balance or love. Most often, it was a fleeting emotion. Yet I still felt something: I was still able to acknowledge hope in better days existed.
I encourage all of you to look at this day differently. Do not judge it by the number of breaths you take but by the moments (or moment) that take your breath away. My wish is for all of us to find a way to live a life of gratitude, just as my grandparents have. Look for those moments that bring light into your world.
I am thinking of you all and sending healing wishes into the Universe. Remember you are not alone on your journey. You are so very strong…
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”
A New Year, A New Love, A New Way of Looking at Life
Last year, my New Year’s resolution was to find balance in my life. I wanted to make sure I was present in the moment, and embrace all experiences I had coming my way. It was going to be a year of self-discovery and self-care.
Set on doing one thing a day that brought me joy and fulfillment, I wanted to be mindful of activities that brought light into my world. My goal was to be able to say on December 31, 2011 that I lived compassionately, honestly, happily. I wanted to find me, make myself a priority and feel alive.
I really did not know how much 2011 would change my life.
I began the year with a renewed sense of self and purpose. The first four months I did something that I enjoyed each day. Whether it was taking the dogs for a walk, getting a coffee, reading or going to sunrise yoga, I consciously reminded myself during the activity that this was “for me.” This special time of the day was to rejuvenate my spirit and center me. I loved it. I looked forward to my simple pleasure, and I never felt guilty for taking time for myself.
Then at the end of April, my husband and I found out we were having a baby. It was the greatest news. We both could not wait for our little one to arrive, and I had grand plans of how the pregnancy would go. I believed I would continue my yoga practice as well as my other workout routine and eating plan. Little did I know that my body had other things in store for me!
Within the first few weeks, morning sickness, exhaustion and food aversions took over my life. Then I faced months of modified bed rest. It was an emotional roller coaster ride with such high highs and downright low lows. Thankfully, everything I experienced was solely pregnancy-related. For nine months, my pain and symptoms never flared.
As the year neared an end, I became more uncomfortable and anxious for our little one to arrive. The unexpected issues throughout my pregnancy had taken a toll on me emotionally. Once I reached thirty-six weeks and was out of the worry zone, I wanted him to be here. Yet he had other plans! After two long, fearful months thinking he would be pre-term, William (Will) Owen arrived January 3 … four days after his due date!
This weekend we celebrated Will’s two-month birthday. I cannot believe how fast time has passed. It seems like yesterday we were walking into the hospital, and now he is smiling, cooing and reaching for objects. I am in awe of him, just as I was the day he was born. He is absolutely perfect. Will has completely changed and affirmed my life. Every day with him is a new adventure, a new milestone, a new joyful memory. To be able to experience life through him has been incredible, and I am so excited to see what the year ahead has in store.
While 2012 is no doubt all about Will, I am also committed to redefining who I am. I have now added another label to my repertoire: mom. As I know motherhood will always be the most important job and title I hold, I also know it cannot become all of me. I must find a way to manage the greatest gift in my life with living my truth.
Therefore, my resolution this year is finding that happy balance between enjoying every moment with my precious love and keeping my own identity. I have to continue being who I am as an individual in order to be the best person, wife, mom, friend, co-worker possible. This means remembering to put myself on the list. Despite wanting to spend every waking moment with Will, I also have to remember to care for myself. I must strive to live a balanced, gratitude-filled life as I embrace this magical journey.
What wishes do you have for yourself for 2012?
Continue to live each day as fully as possible, believe in the unimaginable and know you are not alone.
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”
Controlling What I Can
I realize I have little say in many life matters. Right now, that is apparent in not knowing when Baby will arrive. In the past, I faced this dealing with the unknowns and fears of pain. Regardless of the circumstance, I am not in control. Because I cannot change certain aspects in my life, it is that much more important for me to learn techniques that give me a sense of peace, purpose and balance. I must see that I do have power over the way I respond.
The past few days I have spent focusing inward, finding ways to handle my current situation. In order to move forward without stress or anxiety, I am reinventing a new “me.” A "me" that is grateful for little things in my days, a "me" that can acknowledge fears while staying positive, a "me" that is hopeful and content.
I am pulling out old meditation CDs to relax the mind, body and spirit. I am thinking about what I eat to make sure I only feed myself healing foods. I am lighting more candles while envisioning how I want the next two months to unfold. I am connecting with spiritual coaches to help clear hindering beliefs so I can find serenity.
In a nutshell, I am living life by my rules. I making sure to do things that make me happy and calm which will therefore prepare me for whatever life has in store for me.
To those who also currently feel life is spinning out of control, I hope you too can find some good in your day. Continue to look for those answers, believe in the unimaginable and trust that better times are ahead.
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”
Breakthrough
I am amazed how different situations cause similar emotions. Over the past eight months, I have found myself holding back in my blogs – not because I felt I had to hide what was happening in my life, but rather because I felt pregnancy did not correlate with my journey with pain. I know now that I was wrong. I now see that everything in my life intertwines, somehow circling back to my experiences with pain.
This newfound recognition may not have happened without Rick. During the weekend, he kept encouraging to write. He reminded me that most of the issues I am working through are similar to what I dealt with during the darkest days of my pain journey. While life may focus on “Baby” and his arrival, the way I accept, cope and overcome the fears and sensations are connected.
Each of us encounters pain and struggle. While we might not all be physically crippled by the excruciating agony, most of us find pain paralyzes a part of our lives. Whether we retreat, harbor anger or become depressed, pain has the power to crush our dreams and diminish our light. It can easily control us.
I guess what I am trying to convey is that while I may not be in the depths of a chronic pain episode, I am in the midst of a challenging experience causing vulnerability and fear to resurface. I am again dealing with the “what ifs” and the terrifying unpredictability of the unknown. Just as everyone dealing with pain knows, stress exacerbates the situation. These past few weeks have definitely shown me how stress is personally affecting me. It has been a daily priority for me to be conscious of breathing, relaxing and letting go as I endure more physical pain (RSD and pregnancy-related), sleepless nights and anxiety.
To those who feel weighted down by personal circumstances, you are not alone. Life is full of challenges. Yet I believe it is because of such obstacles that we find ourselves. Although pain took much from me, it gave me back much in return. Due to pain, I learned to trust, believe, hope and have faith in myself. I found true meaning in life. I recognize my inner-strength and am no longer ashamed to embrace my survivor-mentality; a characteristic that I believe is within us all.
Therefore, while this moment may seem uncertain I know in my heart all is in divine order. I just need to release the self-defeating and self-sabotaging thoughts so I can focus on peace and healing. Everything will be okay … tomorrow is a new day with new hope and possibility.
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”
Wanting to Fix while Remembering to Just Be
Sometimes the hardest position is to be a bystander watching the person you care for struggle. While you know there is nothing you can do to ease the heartache, you still wish you had the right words to say, the perfect-sized band aide to heal the wound, the ability to make the pain cease.
When I face these situations now, I try to remember my own journey. What helped me the most were the simple things: a “thinking of you” card, a “just checking in on you” phone call or an “I am here for you” email. All I needed to know was that I had someone who would stand by me; someone who would encourage me to hold onto hope and believe in brighter days … someone who I could lean on when I lost my way, my will or my strength.
To those who feel helpless as a caregiver or friend, just know that being you is making a world of a difference. Your support, love and genuine concern are appreciated. While I know you want to move mountains and fix everything, remember the greatest gift you can give is being present.
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”
Crazed
Today has not been the greatest for me. After two nights of minimal sleep, exhaustion has gotten the best of me. My thoughts are scattered, my body aches and my emotions are all over the place. I have found myself crying for no apparent reason; unable to calm down only frustrates me more causing me to laugh and sob at the same time. What can I say … it is just one of those “funk” days.
I am sure most can relate. Sleep-deprivation is a serious condition affecting many people in the pain community and beyond. In my opinion, I believe adequate rest is one of the most important factors to keeping us mentally and physically fit. Without sleep, it is impossible to function at the level we need to in order to deal with life.
While I am a bit crazed with self-defeating and self-loathing thoughts right now, I recognize that I am just overly tired. I know I am okay. All I need to feel stronger and happier again is a good’s night sleep.
Until that happens, I am trying to stay positive and relaxed. I cancelled my afternoon appointments to avoid stress (or a public meltdown!) and instead went on a walk with Rick and the dogs. I am focusing on doing things that may bring me peace or boost my spirits. Most importantly, I am taking deep breaths as I remind myself that this will pass.
For those dealing with insomnia, my thoughts are with you. My universal intention this evening is that we all receive a better night’s rest. Hang in there, know you are not alone and keep believing in brighter days.
Believing in Miracles,
Nicole Hemmenway
Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”