I realize I have little say in many life matters. Right now, that is apparent in not knowing when Baby will arrive. In the past, I faced this dealing with the unknowns and fears of pain. Regardless of the circumstance, I am not in control. Because I cannot change certain aspects in my life, it is that much more important for me to learn techniques that give me a sense of peace, purpose and balance. I must see that I do have power over the way I respond.

The past few days I have spent focusing inward, finding ways to handle my current situation. In order to move forward without stress or anxiety, I am reinventing a new “me.” A "me" that is grateful for little things in my days, a "me" that can acknowledge fears while staying positive, a "me" that is hopeful and content.

I am pulling out old meditation CDs to relax the mind, body and spirit. I am thinking about what I eat to make sure I only feed myself healing foods. I am lighting more candles while envisioning how I want the next two months to unfold. I am connecting with spiritual coaches to help clear hindering beliefs so I can find serenity.

In a nutshell, I am living life by my rules. I making sure to do things that make me happy and calm which will therefore prepare me for whatever life has in store for me.

To those who also currently feel life is spinning out of control, I hope you too can find some good in your day. Continue to look for those answers, believe in the unimaginable and trust that better times are ahead.

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”

I am amazed how different situations cause similar emotions. Over the past eight months, I have found myself holding back in my blogs – not because I felt I had to hide what was happening in my life, but rather because I felt pregnancy did not correlate with my journey with pain. I know now that I was wrong. I now see that everything in my life intertwines, somehow circling back to my experiences with pain.

This newfound recognition may not have happened without Rick. During the weekend, he kept encouraging to write. He reminded me that most of the issues I am working through are similar to what I dealt with during the darkest days of my pain journey. While life may focus on “Baby” and his arrival, the way I accept, cope and overcome the fears and sensations are connected.

Each of us encounters pain and struggle. While we might not all be physically crippled by the excruciating agony, most of us find pain paralyzes a part of our lives. Whether we retreat, harbor anger or become depressed, pain has the power to crush our dreams and diminish our light. It can easily control us.

I guess what I am trying to convey is that while I may not be in the depths of a chronic pain episode, I am in the midst of a challenging experience causing vulnerability and fear to resurface. I am again dealing with the “what ifs” and the terrifying unpredictability of the unknown. Just as everyone dealing with pain knows, stress exacerbates the situation. These past few weeks have definitely shown me how stress is personally affecting me. It has been a daily priority for me to be conscious of breathing, relaxing and letting go as I endure more physical pain (RSD and pregnancy-related), sleepless nights and anxiety.

To those who feel weighted down by personal circumstances, you are not alone. Life is full of challenges. Yet I believe it is because of such obstacles that we find ourselves. Although pain took much from me, it gave me back much in return. Due to pain, I learned to trust, believe, hope and have faith in myself. I found true meaning in life. I recognize my inner-strength and am no longer ashamed to embrace my survivor-mentality; a characteristic that I believe is within us all.

Therefore, while this moment may seem uncertain I know in my heart all is in divine order. I just need to release the self-defeating and self-sabotaging thoughts so I can focus on peace and healing. Everything will be okay … tomorrow is a new day with new hope and possibility.

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”

Sometimes the hardest position is to be a bystander watching the person you care for struggle. While you know there is nothing you can do to ease the heartache, you still wish you had the right words to say, the perfect-sized band aide to heal the wound, the ability to make the pain cease.

When I face these situations now, I try to remember my own journey. What helped me the most were the simple things: a “thinking of you” card, a “just checking in on you” phone call or an “I am here for you” email. All I needed to know was that I had someone who would stand by me; someone who would encourage me to hold onto hope and believe in brighter days … someone who I could lean on when I lost my way, my will or my strength.

To those who feel helpless as a caregiver or friend, just know that being you is making a world of a difference. Your support, love and genuine concern are appreciated. While I know you want to move mountains and fix everything, remember the greatest gift you can give is being present.

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”

Today has not been the greatest for me. After two nights of minimal sleep, exhaustion has gotten the best of me. My thoughts are scattered, my body aches and my emotions are all over the place. I have found myself crying for no apparent reason; unable to calm down only frustrates me more causing me to laugh and sob at the same time. What can I say … it is just one of those “funk” days.

I am sure most can relate. Sleep-deprivation is a serious condition affecting many people in the pain community and beyond.  In my opinion, I believe adequate rest is one of the most important factors to keeping us mentally and physically fit. Without sleep, it is impossible to function at the level we need to in order to deal with life.   

While I am a bit crazed with self-defeating and self-loathing thoughts right now, I recognize that I am just overly tired. I know I am okay. All I need to feel stronger and happier again is a good’s night sleep.

Until that happens, I am trying to stay positive and relaxed. I cancelled my afternoon appointments to avoid stress (or a public meltdown!) and instead went on a walk with Rick and the dogs. I am focusing on doing things that may bring me peace or boost my spirits. Most importantly, I am taking deep breaths as I remind myself that this will pass.

For those dealing with insomnia, my thoughts are with you. My universal intention this evening is that we all receive a better night’s rest. Hang in there, know you are not alone and keep believing in brighter days.

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”

After receiving an email this afternoon from a friend telling me about her mini-vacation this past weekend, I began thinking that we all need a mini-getaway. Each of us needs an escape from the daily trials we face.

As you know from personal experience, life is short. Yet even though we realize this, we too often allow minute things to bog us down. We give power to forces outside of our control and to instances that serve no purpose. Sadly, we become so involved in the hustle and bustle of life that we overlook those simple moments that bring us joy. It is as if we forget that in one second everything we planned, dreamed or hoped for can change.

I know it is not possible for any of us to take off on a relaxing or rejuvenating excursion a few days each week. Therefore, we must create our own “mini-getaway.” For me, I view walks with my dogs as a time to let go of the stresses of the day. I attend yoga to reconnect my mind, body and spirit. I even treat myself to a decaf soy latte or a spa pedicure sometimes. I do things that are not over-the-top but still make me feel good and special.

It is my hope that each of us can begin to live every day to its fullest. My wish is for us all to find happiness and meaning, that we recognize the value of taking care of ourselves. After all, it is through “mini-getaways” that we are able to continue forward with our journeys … holding onto hope and believing in the unimaginable.  

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”

Last night I attended a prenatal yoga class. This was the first time I had done yoga since April, and I was a bit nervous. As some of you may remember, I became interested in this practice earlier this year. It was part of my New Year’s Resolution of making time for me and finding balance in my life.

Entering the studio was intimidating for me. I wanted to be a rock-star. I wanted to be able to do every pose my peers were doing, and leave the class feeling relaxed and rejuvenated. Yet knowing it had been seven months since I had done a downward-facing dog, tree or warrior pose caused me anxiety.

Thankfully, the instructor was kind and comforting. She emphasized that each of us were on different journeys, and therefore, we had to go at our pace. In her mind, prenatal yoga is just as much about listening to your body signals as it is about connecting with your baby and learning to move in comfortable ways.

I quickly felt at ease within the group. There were movements I could not fully complete, but that was fine with me. I trusted that my body knew best. I breathed and allowed myself to let go of judgment. I was present in the moment, and it felt good.  

I left yoga feeling calm, collected and centered. With such a positive response, I have decided to add this practice to my weekly routine. One night a week, I will do this for me. This will be my time to bond with baby and reconnect with myself.

My wish is for each of you to find that one activity that makes you feel whole and unstoppable. I think it is so important that we take care of ourselves and do things that create inner-harmony and peace. Have a good night!

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”

It has been over a decade since I began looking “outside the box” for answers to help me along my pain journey. I am so grateful that I did. Opening up to the wonders and powers of the Universe fundamentally changed my life.

Not only did I find my authentic self, but I also discovered my strength, courage and resilience. I soon realized pain did not define me. Free of feeling pigeonholed by a label, I became empowered and vocal. I began trusting my instincts. As I listened to my body, I saw that I held the key to my healing. I could make a difference in my own life.

This afternoon I came across a quote from Benjamin Spock that I wanted to share with you. I hope it helps you begin to believe in yourself. Remember that you are strong and courageous. Hold onto hope and follow your dreams. I am thinking of each of you and sending healing wishes.

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." –Benjamin Spock

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”

Today I am still trying to let go of wanted outcomes. This is hard to do when so much is riding on what will be. Yet I know I can handle anything. I might not feel strong in this moment, but I do know I possess the strength, willpower and resilience to overcome any obstacle I might face.

It still amazes me how the Universe provides just when I need it to the most. The past twenty-four hours I have received many signs assuring me that I will make it through this new hurdle. From my aunt’s text message reminding me of the power that comes from “surrendering to the unknown” to emails showering me with love and support, I see that I am not alone.

Another sign came in the form of a song: Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel.” Immediately, I knew that a glorious angel from above was with me. A sense of serenity flowed through my body as I listened to the lyrics. Even though the feeling was fleeting, I knew I was “in the arms of an angel” then and now.

I also received a care package in the mail today. Not only did the heartfelt present bring a smile to my face, but it also brought joy back to my life. I realized that no matter how dark a situation may seem happiness and kindness always exist. I do not want to spend my days wondering “what will be” because that just robs me of what is currently in front of me.

Each of us faces our own journeys that cause us to question, doubt, fear and worry. If we did not experience these emotions, we would not be human. With that said, I do not think it is healthy to stay stuck in that dark area. It is important for me to acknowledge my feelings of helplessness while surrounding myself with light energy. I inhale serenity while I exhale fear.

I am thinking of you and hoping each of you finds a little magic or light in the midst of the pain.

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”

I have been preoccupied all day with things that are out of my control. While I am trying to stay calm, nothing I do seems to ease my mind or lift my spirits. The entire afternoon I have been quiet and reserved, spending my time reading or staring at the lit eucalyptus candle on my desk. I have withdrawn from the outside world.

Retreating inward is a coping mechanism of mine that helps me regain strength and find my way through whatever problem I face. Life is full of challenges and heartaches. We cannot escape them, yet we do have the power and ability to rise above and believe all will be well.

Tonight I am striving to do that. I am putting my intentions and faith toward a positive outcome. No matter what may be, I know everything will be okay. I will survive … no, I am going to make sure I thrive.

I share this with you not for sympathy, but rather to let those of you who may be feeling the same know that you are not alone. Hang in there. Continue to believe.

“I trust that everything happens for a reason, even when we’re not wise enough to see it.”

 –Oprah Winfrey

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”

This afternoon I went to Target to pick up a new filter for my Brita water pitcher. As I passed the home décor aisle, I became excited to see all the decorations for Halloween and Thanksgiving. My favorite time of year has arrived.

When fall approaches and the weather turns cool and rainy, I get an urge to bake. Being in the kitchen with the oven warming the house as the aroma of pumpkin, cinnamon and nutmeg float through the air makes me happy. For some reason, baking lifts my mood. I no longer feel discouraged or alone; all just seems right in the world.

I did not bake anything today nor will I for a few more weeks. Instead, I purchased a pumpkin-fragranced soy candle from Target to bring the spirit of the holidays to life.  Looking out my front window at the pouring rain, the smell from my burning candle reminds me of my past. I am content remembering the laughs, the love, the special memories that only this time of year brings.

I am amazed a candle could bring such light and joy to my day. I hope whatever it may be in your life that sparks memories of happiness and joy brings you the same peace, clarity and serenity that my newfound candle has for me.

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole Hemmenway

            Author of “No, It Is NOT In My Head: The Journey of a Chronic Pain Survivor from Wheelchair to Marathon”